I sit in silence as the days go by wondering if I’m going to be seen. I feel invisible to him. I’m sitting here wondering if you see me, as you pass by me in and out the door. I’m laying next to you in the evening but you sleep as if you are alone in bed. Do you feel me crying? Do you hear me?
I continue to go there with anxiousness and feelings and all my weaknesses. It’s starting to becoming troubling in my mind, my focus is his touch. I can feel it down my skin even when he’s not here. It’s frightening, my heart is starting to talk. I can’t, I won’t, I need to let go. I’ve been here before and my heart was shattered for almost a decade. I can’t put myself through that again. I refuse to be there. He is wonderful in his movements, in his kiss. It is a place I never want to leave but I can’t stay. I will tell him tomorrow that I can’t come back. He’s strong in his mind, with his hands and it’ll be okay for him. He won’t stir or make a fuss. He knows, he just knows how I feel. It’s pointless in every sense of what’s rational. Hotel Ella, the last unfaithful visit.
I ask myself question after question day after day.
What’s my worth? What’s my quality? What do people see in me? I’m I important to them? Is there value in my existence? Do they think about me? How do I breath? Is life more simple, than this? Will it ever be just happiness? What is love? Does the feeling of seeing someone and loving them wholeheartedly exist? Are changes easier the second time? When can I speak? Can I have my opinion without being wrong? Can someone touch me? Who else besides my son, can hug with and make it feel like they don’t want to let go of me? God are you still there? What is he thinking? What am I think? Will the loneliness ever subside? Is it worth all this trouble? Is he in love? Is he happy? Could it? Why not? Is it me? There has to be that thing about me, right? Am I a story book with the end torn out? How? Why? Where? Time? Will I? Will he?
The questions done stop. Ever.
sometimes you are taken to a place you have never been before and you simply don’t want to leave.
I chose the name of this blog specifically because, I wanted to get lost somewhere. In a euphoria. I wanted to feel something bigger than myself. I wanted a burning sensation, something new, untouched, unexplored. In the midst of looking, I came across it. It wasn’t luck, chance or coincidence. This energy brought me to this place, this peaceful, beautiful place. He has the unlimited energy to take me beyond my limit and make me feel like everything around us has disappeared. It’s just me and him, in this room, the electricity that moves us can surely make the entire building lose power. I am certain of it. The touch is prominent and I can feel his finger tips on my skin when I think of his name. The thoughts are erotic, sensual and seductive. A place between here and there is this infatuating man that has the confidence like I have never seen before. He walks through the building with such a grace that is so captivating. Your attention drawn directly to his bright blue eyes, instantly he has you feeling the fire. What a place to be, in this crazy world where everything is uncertain but this very moment, that leads me to this hour. His hour.