dreaming..

Lately my mind has been going a million different directions. My emotions have been heightened and slowly torture my ability to think.

My dreams have manifested themselves to reflect everything I’m thinking. Last night I woke up feeling like I my dreams were distorted and the picture was pixelated. The dreams kept playing like a scratched up dvd. Broken up pieces and jumping from different scenes that made no sense.

What’s going on with me? I’m feeling delusional, out of control and I have these huge knots at the pit of my stomach.

Saturday

Cloudy, somber days like today are meant to be enjoyed cuddled up watching movies alone or with the person you love. The evening should be filled with laughter, a glass of wine and the company of the person that holds your thoughts and your heart. It doesn’t happen for everyone.

I’m deep to the knee in marriage that feels like this damp cloudy day. We don’t talk, we don’t make love, we barley cuddle unless it’s on his calendar. It’s emotionally exhausting. I’m feeling lost and needed something to escape to. I keep seem to find that place anymore. I feel my heart aching and crying, all I want to do is hide from the world and wallow in my pity. I am an emotional mess and I don’t know how to feel better.

not all who wander are lost…

This phrase taken by a song is seen everywhere, but it recently captured my attention. I always perceived it as maybe meant for “a traveler”.  I’m not a traveler of any sort, I’ve been to a few places but not places most people haven’t been too. Across state lines to the West and East Coast, pretty common, right? This phrase captured my attention because it connected with me at a different level with a sort of different dynamic.

My mind has wandered to places and people that I find amazingly satisfying, to my soul and my eyes. It makes me think of a time and a place away from here. In a city that takes my breath away instantly. By a person who took me to another time – far away from reality. A place is between here and there. It’s bright, it’s beautiful, it’s peaceful, soulful and satisfying to say the least.

A place of no resistance, no rules, no games, little time, little planning but the escape is real. This is like a dream that you never want to wake from, and if you do, you hope to dream about it again and again.

Its not substance, it’s touchable but you can’t hold on to it long enough to stay there. It’s for a moment.

Just a moment for you to have a taste of something heavenly.

This place is somewhere in the midst of all the people waiting to be part of something wonderful. The experience was nothing short of it. The smile that can take you to places you’ve never been. The confidence that will make the flowers bloom, the sun shine and the birds sing. It’s a unbelievable existence but it exists but, those eyes…they are soulful.

So this phrase,  it says – I am not lost but have wandered into something, some place, with someone suited for my soul and it’s my place to hold until I choose to let it go. -BB39